No Regrets! (In Honor of Debbie Ford’s 60th Birthday)
As I sit writing this newsletter on Thursday October 1st, I am acutely aware that today is Debbie Ford’s birthday! When Debbie passed she asked that we celebrate her birthday every year, not the day of her transition. So just like I would spend time planning the birthday of my children or someone who was alive on this physical plane, come mid-September I start thinking about what I could do to celebrate Debbie on October 1st. Knowing that one of Debbie’s deepest desires was that everyone on the planet have a fabulous life, I know that to honor her request I must do something fabulous for myself as well as do something magnificent in her honor.
Doing something fabulous for me is easy. I have a wide array of feel good fun stuff that feeds my soul and puts a smile on my face. When I start to think of how I could honor her in a way that seems fitting for someone who did and still does play such a profound and crucial role in my life – the task feels so much more important and a bit more daunting. I wrestle with these questions:
“How do I let the world know what an incredible woman she was and the impact she had on my life? What could possibly be a grand enough and fitting enough expression of awe and gratitude?”
I watch as so many people post their expressions of love and gratitude on social media and it warms my heart. I also watch as they post beautiful pictures of themselves and Debbie throughout the years. Although I love looking at the pictures, that feeling of delight is often followed by a feeling of regret. The fact is I only have one picture of Debbie and me and that was taken a few months before her death and only because she insisted upon it!
So why so few pictures? It had nothing to do with Debbie. She loved having her picture taken. The answer actually seems so ironic, but is so true! Why so few pictures? It was because of me and my shadows!
For those of you who might be new to the concept of the shadow, our shadows are the parts of ourselves that we don’t want to be, don’t like, or deem inappropriate. Our shadows are birthed out of our shame and are run by our fears. Often times our shadows live in our unconscious and we don’t even realize that we have disowned so many parts of ourselves. Other times we are conscious of the aspects of ourselves that we don’t like or deem wrong and have a constant internal dialogue looping around inside our head reminding us to not let anyone know about or see these parts of ourselves.
When it comes to taking pictures I have always had my fair share of shadows. I have always had that dialogue in my head that tells me, “You don’t look good enough, you are not pretty enough or skinny enough to let yourself be photographed. Just stay invisible.” I generally justify or try to cover up my shadow or resistance to being photographed by saying, “Oh we will do it next time!” or by being the one who offers to take the picture.
When it came to taking pictures with Debbie my shadows ran deeper. Since she was a public figure and was loved and admired by so many, people would flock to be close to her, to be her best friend, to sit next to her at dinner and to have their picture taken with her. Not wanting to be like any of those people, my shadows always kept me at a distance and created a wall – not only with Debbie but with pretty much everyone. I could not be needy, dependent, a follower, or like everyone else. Thankfully Debbie not only taught me about my shadows, but she was also more tenacious than some of mine!
One of the reasons it is so important to do shadow work is because when you are in the grips of a shadow you have no choice. On some level I am sure I always wanted to take a beautiful picture with Debbie. However when we are in the grips of the shadow, the only choice we can make is to prove to the world that we are not the characteristic that we judge and don’t want to be. Since I was being sourced by my shadows of not wanting to be like all of those other people, the only choice I could make for all those years was to run away, or to avoid having my picture taken with Debbie. Little did I realize that the time to work out those shadows was NOW!
When we embrace our shadows and find the gifts of the characteristics that we don’t want to be then we have access to those characteristics and we reclaim our right to choose. Now I would have no issue seizing the moment and taking a picture with a Debbie or a loved one.
I actually watch this miracle happen at every Shadow Process Workshop. I constantly hear from people that after they leave the workshop they do things that they never thought were imaginable. Why? Because as they embraced their shadows, it gave them access to a whole new range of choices.
As I write this newsletter, I can’t help thinking about David Letterman and his Top 10 List. So here’s my Top 10 List for “Why The Time is NOW to do Shadow Work!”
#10. You will feel whole and complete.
#9. You never have to worry about someone telling you that you are this or that (eg: too stupid, mean, fake) because you already know and have made peace with the fact that you are that characteristic.
#8. That incessant internal dialogue of fear and condemnation quiets down or dissipates.
#7. You will achieve an extraordinary sense of liberation.
#6. You have access to choices that you never thought possible.
#5. You’ll have compassion and understanding for what you see in others and stop all that judging, judging, judging!
#4. You finally feel free to be your authentic self and as such can have deeper, more connected, intimate, and honest relationships with others.
#3. You gain the confidence and trust to start looking to yourself instead of the outside world to define who you are and what you should be doing.
#2. Your outer world will start to shift along with your internal world and all of a sudden your vision will become your reality.
Drumroll please… The number one reason “Why the Time is NOW to do Shadow Work…”
#1. You never know when you will not have the opportunity to do something like take a picture with a loved one again and you will never have to live with that regret!
Transformational Action Steps
(1) Identify a shadow – a characteristic that you do not like about yourself.
(2) Allow yourself to see how this characteristic could actually serve you, or benefit you.
(3) Journal about how making this characteristic wrong and not having a healthy relationship with it actually impacts your life. How does it impact your choices and behaviors? What is the cost?
(4) What is an action step you can do this week to embrace this characteristic?
(5) In honor of Debbie Ford’s birthday, do something fabulous for yourself.
(6) Come join us at The Shadow Process November 13th to November 15th in Los Angeles and reclaim the power of choice in Every Choice Matters which you can do from home.
