Marry Your Conscience
Last month I attended the Mark Twain Award For Humor at The Kennedy Center in Washington DC. This year they honored Jay Leno. The tribute to Jay Leno was filled with talented and funny celebrities such as Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, Chelsea Handler, Jerry Seinfeld, Wanda Sykes, and Robert Klein, just to name a few. They all shared witty and heartfelt sentiments, yet the one line that really stuck out for me came from Jay Leno himself. Accepting his award and thanking all the people who supported him in his career, he of course spoke about his wife. When speaking about her and the success of their long-term marriage, he said:
“Marry your conscience. Marry the one
who makes you want to be a better person.”
Although he did not elaborate, Leno was speaking about the need to surround ourselves with people who bring out the best in us, stand for our highest, and do not choose harmony over truth when it comes to challenging us or being compassionately honest with us so that we can be the person that we aspire to be. One of the many things I loved about my dear friend Debbie Ford was her ability to hold the visions, hopes and desires of the people around her even when they were feeling resigned, defeated, or complacent or when they were spiraling down and imploding in some form of self-sabotage. She was so good at holding people in their highest that she founded The Ford Institute to train Integrative Coaches to do the same in the lives of their clients.
The truth is that most people in our lives do quite the opposite. Many people have a tough time telling the truth or asking the tough questions. Maybe they keep silent when you dive into the box of cookies, light up a cigarette, or have that fifth drink even though you declared that you wanted to live a healthier lifestyle just the day before. They may help you rationalize and justify a purchase that is not in your budget or taking time off even if you have a deadline because “you have been working so hard” or “just deserve a break today!” They might say, “You Go Girl!” or give a fist bump or high five to encourage a behavior even though they are thinking, “Ugh, you will regret that in the morning!” They may smile gingerly and refrain from speaking their truth, when you ask them a question because they are afraid to hurt your feelings or incite potential conflict.
Although I understand that most of us are acting this way – keeping our mouths shut and being non-confrontational in the name of being “kind,” “nonjudgmental,” or a “good friend,” all we are truly doing is enabling behavior that is not in our loved one’s highest. We are colluding with the lie that “everything is fine!” or that “good enough” is acceptable. The truth is that if you cannot stand in what is in the highest for a loved one, especially when it is supports them in achieving their stated goals and desires, then chances are that you cannot do the same for yourself.
So as you start looking forward to 2015, start to honestly examine the people who surround you. Do they inspire you? Do they bring out the best in you? Are they willing to be honest with you? Do they reflect back to you the person you aspire to be? Even though you can’t pick your family of origin, you can choose your spouse, friends, and business partners. If you want to live an extraordinary life then surround yourself with like-minded people who are dedicated to bringing out the best in others.
Surround yourself with people who love you enough to risk speaking their truth if it will support you in living in your greatness. Surround yourself with people who know that you are here to deliver a gift to the world and recognize that living with integrity is not only in your highest but will benefit the world as well. Surround yourself with people in whose faces and in whose eyes you can see your truth because you know that they are standing for you to have the best and biggest life and to be your most magnificent self!
Transformational Action Steps
1. Make a list of the 5 to 10 most important people in your life. Without making them wrong, journal about the impact they have on your day-to-day life. How do you feel when you are around them? Can you talk to them about what is really on your mind? Do they give you honest feedback or pick harmony over truth? Do they tolerate your mediocrity or stand for your magnificence?
2. Identify 1 or 2 people who, as Jay Leno says, “make you want to be a better person.”
3. Make a plan to speak with them in order to acknowledge them for the role that they play in your life.
4. Really dwell in the conversation of creating a “conscious community” around you. What would that look like for you? How would it impact your life? If you are looking for one but do not know where to start, we invite you to join us at The Shadow Process December 5th to December 7th in Los Angeles or for our transformational program Radical Reinvention which you can do from your own home starting Tuesday January 13th.
