Bringing Light to Unconscious Coupling
The release of Debbie’s book Courage in paperback on April 7th inspired me to revisit all of her books in the past two weeks. Although each of her books are brilliant, the one I will always have a soft spot for is the one that truly brought me to this work – her second book Spiritual Divorce, Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life.
At a time when everyone is talking about Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Martin and the practice of “conscious uncoupling,” a term originally coined by Katherine Woodward Thomas, I am again humbled by how insightful and ahead of her time Debbie Ford truly was. Not only does Spiritual Divorce, which was originally published in 2001, speak to the concepts that are now being defined as conscious uncoupling, but more than that it really dwells in the conversation of why we pick the person we do and create the kind of relationship that we experience. It truly explains and brings light to our tendency to unconsciously couple! The first time I read Spiritual Divorce I was married and trying to decide whether to remain in my marriage or not. Since I had three young daughters I was committed to doing everything I could to “work on the marriage.” I went to individual therapy, we went to marriage counselors and relationship workshops, but generally I left the sessions more pissed off than when I went in. It wasn’t until I read Spiritual Divorce that I was able to look at my relationship through different eyes.
Spiritual Divorce is based on the premise that we learn about ourselves through our relationships. The fact is that most of us cannot see ourselves, therefore the people that come into our lives are there for a reason. They are there to show us us. And it is the people closest to us that are our most perfectly positioned mirrors. So instead of getting upset with our partners and our circumstances, we need to recognize that everything is as it should be and that we actually called in the perfect partners and co-created these relationships for own personal growth and evolution.
Spiritual Divorce taught me that instead of hating, blaming and pointing the finger at my then husband, I needed to look at the three fingers pointed back at myself and find the wisdom in my wounds and the insights of my anger. I needed to understand why this man was actually the perfect partner to teach me about me. In the end I know that my ex came in to teach me about my relationship with trust.
If you have wondered, “How did I end up with this person?” “What happened to our relationship?” How could I have done the same thing over again?” “What was I thinking?” “Why am I staying in this relationship even when I know it is not in my highest?” or even like me trying to do what ever you can to understand your marriage, to work it out or do whatever it takes so you can make the decision from an empowered place as opposed to a place of reaction or resignation, then I highly suggest you read Spiritual Divorce. For me, understanding why and how I unconsciously coupled has taught me how to be in relationships and truly made my decision to divorce and everything that has happened since the catalyst for what I now truly claim as an extraordinary life!
Transformational Action Steps
1. Journal about a significant relationship that still feels incomplete. Identify two things you learned about yourself as a result of that relationship.
2. If you want to go further, continue journaling by dwelling in the conversation of why this person and this relationship was the perfect person and relationship to teach you these lessons.
3. Read Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life.
4. To deepen your understanding of the concepts of the book, hire a Healing Your Heart Coach by visiting www.thefordinstitute.com/hyh_coaches
5. If you want to learn more about Conscious Uncoupling, we highly suggest that you visit www.consciousuncoupling.com
6. Sign up and tune into this week’s Shadow Talk (a free group coaching series offered over the phone) on the Shadow of Falling In Love by visiting www.thefordinstitute.com/shadowtalk
With love,
Kelley
