The Power of Emotional Independence
After a busy month of June packed with three live events, we restarted our Shadow Talk group coaching series last week with a session on “The Shadow of Independence.” We had an amazing conversation that has kept me fascinated by the concept of “independence.” As I’ve been looking at the world through the eyes of independence, I’ve been noticing the way that our emotions can be linked to the actions, reactions, and non-actions of others around us. This is particularly easy to observe this time of year as many of us are spending more time during these summer months with our families! So I want to share about an essential dimension of independence – emotional independence.
About twenty years ago, I took a walk with a dear friend of mine. At the time, her marriage had drastically deteriorated. It was a few years after the stock market crash of 1987 and her husband was still trying to dig out of the financial impact. He was very much taking his stress out on her. She kept telling herself that once the economy recovered, his moods and their marriage would improve. In essence, her happiness was now dependent on her husband’s emotional and financial well-being which was dependent on the stock market, some bank that may or may not loan her husband money, or the Dade County Zoning Department.
As we walked and talked, I realized that my day-to-day emotional well-being was also dependent on someone else. It was dependent on my mother’s moods. Was she happy with me? Was she even talking to me? Or had she launched some kind of cold war as a tactic to control me? Talk about being low man on the totem pole! My friend and I had done what so many of us do — we were emotionally dependent and giving others control of our emotions.
Do you recognize this pattern in yourself? Do the tides of your emotions change based on what’s happening in your outer world? It’s fascinating to consider. How many people, situations, and circumstances are running your emotions? And most importantly, are you willing to break your fixation on the external world and turn your attention inward to a world without limits, wants, needs, expectation, and lack? Because I can tell you that I have experienced in myself, as well as in those I love and those I teach, the unprecedented leaps and successes that are birthed out of an inward-directed life.
In her book Courage, Debbie Ford explains that we can choose to let our emotional world be dependent on others or we can take back our power and become emotionally independent by taking 100 percent responsibility for all of our choices, actions and emotions. Debbie wrote:
“When you have emotional independence, you want for nothing because you have everything. Just take a deep breath and think about this. Imagine feeling so full and so completely at peace inside yourself that you have the freedom to love and be loved, to give freely and to receive abundantly, to expand rather than contract, to move forward rather than stay stuck, to live in joy rather than suffer in misery. Emotional independence allows you to be in control rather than to be controlled by the unhealed emotions of your past and will support you in being nourished and filled with faith rather than diminished and weakened by fear.”
Transformational Action Steps
1) Make a list of all the people, situations, or circumstances in your life that determine or define your emotions.
2) From your list, circle the three people, situations, or circumstances that most stand in the way of your emotional independence.
3) Identify three actions you can take this week that will support you in taking your power back. Then take those actions.
4) Allow yourself to identify a loving action you can take for yourself this week to give yourself what you are looking to the outside world for.
5) Read the vow below out loud each day. Print it out and post it where you can see it to remind yourself of your oath.
The Vow of Emotional Independence
I, ______ ________, am committed to living free of the strangulating grip of fear, shame, doubt, worry, anger, and sadness.
I promise to give my power to the force greater than myself rather than some food, substance, bad habit, or disempowering craving.
I will stand for my highest expression rather than allowing others’ judgments to define who I am.
I will always make sure to please and take care of myself instead of succumbing to any people-pleasing habits.
I will listen to the voice of my soul rather than listening to the voice of my critical internal judge.
I will find joy in each and every day of my existence rather than get caught up in the insanity of my world.
I will take care of my planet and let my voice be heard instead of waiting for someone else to do it for me.
I will choose powerfully each and every moment to make choices that leave me feeling inspired by myself and will graciously let go of my self-defeating behaviors.
I take this vow NOW as a positive stand for my soul’s highest expression and for every man, woman, and child on this planet today.
As I set myself free, I am freeing myself and others from the violence of my darkest thoughts, my negative projections, and my limiting self-image.
And now I ask all the powers that be to support me in living this vow each and every moment of each and every day.
As I surrender my will for the higher will, I know that I will be guided from my darkest thought to my greatest dream, from my head to my heart.
Today, I commit to living in full accordance with this vow.
And so it is.
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Live each day as if emotional independence is your birthright and your destiny – because it is.
With love,
Kelley
