The Gift of Forgiveness
Last year my three daughters, then ages 19, 21 and 22, attended The Shadow Process. To share this work with the three people in the world I care the most opened me up to a whole new level of awe and possibility.This work had changed my life and given me access to feelings of happiness, liberation, confidence, self-acceptance and love. I knew that if they understood it and were willing to take it on, anything was possible. Their lives would be forever changed for the better.
I thought my daughters experiencing The Shadow Process was a real pinnacle of my life and work. And then this past September, my mother came to The Shadow Process in Miami for a few hours. Now you have to understand that much of my personal journey has been focused on making peace with my relationship with my mother, taking back the projections I had on her and finding the gifts in the fact that “I am my mother.” And even though I have been involved in this work since 2002 and a staff member of The Ford Institute since 2008, my mother never had a clue about what I did. She didn’t understand the power of this conversation or what was possible when people come together in this conversation of the shadow.
Although my mother could only stay at The Shadow Process for a few hours due to her health, those few hours were not just a defining moment for me. They were the impetus for her to reach out and want to go deeper into the exploration of the shadow. She was stunned by the honesty and the vulnerability of the participants who shared their stories. And it was clear to her that just by understanding how the shadow works, people were able to see whole new perspectives about their lives — past present and future — in a relatively short amount of time. For my mother to express interest in my passion and for her to open herself up to this conversation was a very powerful experience for me.
The timing couldn’t be better. As my mother gets older, I have noticed in her a strong desire to make peace with her past. She has been trying to find forgiveness for the people in her life that have hurt or betrayed her. Yet she has been struggling with this concept. So I had a one-on-one conversation with my mother and shared with her the wisdom and extraordinary exercises to which we devote Sunday mornings at The Shadow Process — forgiveness. I shared with her that ultimately forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Forgiveness is a declaration that we no longer need to be limited or controlled by the pain of our past. Forgiveness is a choice we can make to learn our lessons, realize the gifts, and find compassion for ourselves and others.
Not only did I have this extraordinary conversation with my mother about forgiveness, but I also gave her one of the most meaningful gifts that I have ever given her: The Forgiveness Handbook by Clifford B. Edwards. Cliff founded The Ford Institute with Debbie and was a key architect and teacher of The Ford Institute’s programs for twelve years. His book is a comprehensive, straightforward, easy-to-read manual about forgiveness. He uses fun examples and offers useful tools that transform forgiveness from an intellectual concept of the head to a practical and experiential journey you take in your heart. My mother is halfway through the book. We have discussions after each chapter and each week I marvel and feel tremendous amounts of gratitude as I watch as her heart soften toward others and most importantly toward herself. Thank you to Cliff for writing this book and for standing in the knowledge that miracles are available through the process of forgiveness!
Just like I shared with my mother, I want to tell you that in order to transcend your limitations and form positive new patterns of life based on who you know you can be rather than who you were yesterday, you must give up the modes of thinking, feeling and behaving that only keep you chained to your past. Without forgiving those who have left you, betrayed you, disappointed you or hurt you and cutting the cords of resentment, you continue to be imprisoned by the very people you’ve spent years (or a lifetime) trying to get away from. You remain bound to the incidents that caused the resentment in the first place. And because the outer world is a steadfast reflection of your inner world, these resentment and grudges ensure that you re-create situations that spark the same bad feelings you want to escape from. Stowed away inside you like parasites, resentments and grudges perpetuate cycles of self-abuse and victimhood, depleting you of your life force and separating you from your inherent worth, your joy and the love in your heart. But you hold the key to your liberation. It is forgiveness. Forgiveness will open you up to higher realms of love, peace and joy.
Transformational Action Steps
1. Make a list of the grudges and resentments that prevent you from making peace with your past. Be specific. Write down who you’re mad at and why.
2. Spend at least 15 minutes journaling about what would be possible in your life if you choose forgiveness.
3. Ask your highest self for release from the prison of your resentments and grudges by identifying one action you can take this week to forgive.
4. Take the action step that will move you toward forgiveness.
5. Get The Forgiveness Handbook by Clifford B. Edwards.
6. Join us for The Shadow Process November 15th to November 17th in San Diego. Invite a loved one or family member to join you.
With love,
Kelley
