Ask A Coach – I have been divorced for two years…
Andi from San Francisco asks: I have been divorced for two years and although I try to put a smile on my face and get on with my life, I can’t. Deep down I am angry! What can I do to move on?
Dear Andi,
Many of us, especially after divorce, don’t want to be the stereotypical angry ex-wife. Whether it is for the sake of our families or we are trying to convince or a conditioned response, we try to be one of those people who can put a smile on their face and look at the glass half full. Although I am all for finding the positive of every experience, but when it comes to emotions, “the only way out is through.” You need to allow yourself to express and really be with your anger! We have been taught to judge our anger as bad, but there is a gift in every emotion and true empowerment comes when you feel free to convey the full range of our emotions in a healthy way. There is a cost of unexpressed anger. It can show up as toxins or dis-ease in our bodies or some sort of self-sabotaging or passive-aggressive behavior. Whenever we try to deny any part of ourselves it is like holding a beach ball under water. We can do it for a while, but eventually it will pop up and hit us in the face and spray water on everyone around us!
As a teacher of “emotional education,” I have come to realize that the term really means using our emotions to educate us or inform us that something
in our lives is out of sync. I use my emotions like red flags. When ever I feel one brewing, even the “negative” ones like anger, fear or sadness, I tune into them instead of turning away from them, because I know that they are there to tell me that something is off or I am acting out of alignment with my integrity or heart’s desires. When I feel my anger starting to brew or see myself acting out, like yelling at my kids for no reason or becoming impatient with a store clerk, I actually take a moment, stop and ask myself, “What is my anger really about?” Often my anger is just a cover up for other emotions, particularly fear or sadness that I don’t want to deal with.
So instead of trying to step over your anger, I invite you to step into it. Make a list of all the situations or people you are angry at and why. Usually in a divorce it is beneficial to start your list with your ex, but it is always good to expand your list, maybe you are holding resentment towards a family member, a friend, a higher power or just plain mad at yourself. Find ways to express and release your anger: use a plastic bat and hit a pillow, take up boxing, scream, or try laughing yoga. Ask yourself, “What is my anger really about?” and journal about it. It is time that you made friends with your anger. In order to be the full expression of who you are and move powerfully forward in your life, you can no longer deny any part of you! Trying to cover up your anger with a happy face, is like “putting ice cream on poop.” It does not work! As one of my coaches told me several years ago, “Kelley, your anger is your passion. Learn to love your anger and you will unleash your passion.” It is time you too found the gifts of your anger!
Xox,
Kelley
