When Did You Stop Listening?
Last week I had the honor of watching one professional teach another a new cutting-edge technology. Although I was fascinated being in the presence of this life changing technology, at some point (actually fairly quickly) I got distracted from what I was supposed to be watching on the computer screen. My attention was drawn instead to the interaction between the two professionals. Every time the “teacher” would try to point something out to the “student,” the student would interrupt him saying, “I know, I know,” trying to finish the teacher’s sentences or somehow hijacking the conversation. I was struck by two things. The first was how patient the teacher was. The second and more profound was that the “student” was not listening at all! All I could think was, “How sad!” Here he had this amazing opportunity to be taught by a world-renowned expert, and he was missing out because his shadows and wounded ego wanted to prove how much he knew and how smart he is.
The fact is that many of us have stopped listening! Thinking that we know the answer, trying to control the outcome, having an agenda, not being present, being distracted by our own internal dialogue, seeking validation from others, or trying to figure out what we will say next to sound clever, cute, or seen are all factors that impair our listening. As Debbie Ford says in The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, “Knowing is the booby prize.” When we think we know what the other person is going to say, all there is to know about a subject, or what we should say next, then we close ourselves off from learning anything new, broadening our perspectives, or being present to the magic of the moment.
Our tendency to not listen does not only apply to others but also to ourselves and the Universe. I am constantly hearing stories and working with people who have not listened to their inner voice, said “NO!” or set a boundary when deep inside they wanted to, stepping over themselves. Although many may initially blame others for their actions or their inability to take action, underneath that blame or resentment toward others, they are angry with themselves for not listening to the voice within them.
The Universe tries to wake us up. It tries to send us messages to get our attention, but often we are so busy and so fixated on our own agendas that we miss the messages…until something happens which we cannot ignore. We aren’t conscious of knowing that the Universe is always giving us feedback, always holding up a mirror and reflecting back to us how we are doing and what is going on with us. When we continue not to listen, the Universe, which truly is trying to support our evolution and growth, has no choice but to do something to really get our attention. For me it took fainting and being flat on my back to realize that I could not keep doing what I was doing, denying my truth, stepping over my integrity, and trying to make a bad marriage work! Bottom line, when it comes to listening to the Universe, if we don’t listen to it, it won’t listen to us…and we will forever feel stuck and like the lonely victim!
A friend of mine always refers to one of the first toys we play with as a child — the pegboard. When we are present, paying attention, open, and eager to learn, we are cognizant of putting the round peg in the round hole and the square peg in the square hole. Yet as we grow, we develop agendas, check out, become distracted, want to have things our own way, or want to prove how smart or powerful we are and we try to jam the square peg in the round hole. Listening is an art that takes intention and attention. It is an act of willingness and surrender. To listen deeply to another, yourself, or the Universe requires the willingness to be fully present, to surrender, and to let go of all your other thoughts, judgments, agendas, projections, internal dialogues, and commentary, in favor of becoming a clean, and clear vessel.
If you want to have deeper connections with yourself and others and flow with the Universe, then start by listening. If not, all you will hear is the same old story and that is the saga of your wounded ego!
Transformational Action Steps
1. Become the observer. Start to notice your listening. Ask yourself: “Am I listening? How am I listening? Am I listening to what someone else is saying or the running commentary in my mind? Is my focus on them or me or totally somewhere else? Am I listening to their words or mine?”
2. Start building your listening muscle. When you are with other people and notice that you’re focused on your own internal dialogue or your attention is on something else, be conscious about making a shift, to become present. Use your breath to support you in becoming present. Consciously focus on the words, tones, inflections and pacing of what’s being communicated.
3. Take breaks during the day to become present and scan your body and listen to what your body is telling you!
